Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Monday, December 2, 2013
8 TIPS FOR THE DIVORCING DAD
8 TIPS FOR THE DIVORCING DAD
By nature we
men are logical thinkers but sometimes, as with divorce, we can find it
difficult to distinguish the line between logic and emotion. After all we love
your children and we want to be with them. There is nothing more unnatural to a
parent than to be separated from their children, even for a short time. One of
the most challenging parts of my custody battle was to understand where this
line was. I wish I had someone to break it down to me in very practical and
implementable ways. Trust me you don’t want to learn this the hard way. By then
it may be too late.
1. KEEP YOUR COOL
It is bad enough that the odds are stacked against fathers who are battling
for equal or custodial rights to their child or children. The last thing you
need to be doing is adding fuel to the fire. As with any stranger, a Judges
only mechanism for establishing credibility before an actual trial or hearing
is their first impression. Judges like for custodial parents to be calm and
cool, promoting visitation and frequent contact between the child and the other
parent. If it appears that you are allowing your emotions to dictate your
judgment then you lose credibility almost immediately and the road to getting
it back is long and treacherous. You must be reasonable and willing to work
together with your ex. Leave the accusations for your attorney to do.
2. WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN
This is a big one and unfortunately difficult for most men to do.
However, it is imperative that you document everything that happens, the
topic of every phone conversation with your ex, what your child has for dinner,
what you and your child did last weekend, how much you spent on necessities
such as school supplies and medicine, etc. I know this sounds crazy but when
you are sitting on the witness stand you want to have your ducks in a row. Not
to mention it is difficult to be caught in a lie when you are simply stating
the facts as opposed to pulling answers from thin air. Besides, think about all
the memories that will never be forgotten.
3. COMMUNICATE VIA EMAIL
Email is one of the best ways to track all logistical issues; such as
visitation, medical appointments, pick-up/drop-off times and locations, health
issues, etc. The key word here is “logistical”. Do not use email to argue or
even discuss the cause of your separation. This is no place to make accusations
either. If your ex tries to suck you into a debate via email then simply do not
do it regardless of what she says. Remember that emails are printable documents
and therefore become evidence. The idea is that your emails portray you as the
reasonable parent who chooses not to argue while documenting facts and
agreements between you and your ex. Again, if she tries to suck you into a
finger pointing festival don’t reply. An email is poor evidence when the
conversation is one sided.
4. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE OUTNUMBERED
As I said before, the odds are against you. Therefore, you must think
before you act. Every move on your part must be premeditated and tailored towards
turning the table in your favor by gradually moving you to the offense instead
of the defense. Let the accusations fly at you in the beginning and one by one
overcome them. Your best bet is to hold your cards until the hearing where it
will be too late for her to rebuttal, that is, unless there is an emergency and
your child’s well-being is at stake. In that case all bets are off.
5. CHOOSE YOUR ATTORNEY WISELY
It is so very important that as a father you have an attorney who is
experienced in fighting on fathers’ behalf. As you can see the game is played
differently from this side of the net. An attorney with proven success
representing fathers not only knows the best tactics but also has some passion
for the cause. Remember that attorneys like to win so if you have a good
fathers’ rights attorney then he has taken some serious sacrifices in his
career and is used to being the underdog.
6. KEEP YOUR CHILD'S BEST INTEREST IN MIND
As I said before, attorneys like to win. With that in mind you should
understand also that your attorney’s job is to fight for your best interest and
not necessarily your child’s. Let your attorney do the fighting in the court
room but don’t forget to think about your child in the real world. Divorce takes
a toll on children and regardless of which parent wins, the children always
lose. The best thing you can do for your child’s emotional well-being is to
attend counseling regularly. Not only is a family counselor an expert on the
various ways children are affected by divorce, he or she can also teach you how
to be the best parent possible during the ware. Remember that
as humans, we were not designed to divorce so the correct answers don’t always
come naturally.
7. PRETEND YOU ARE THE JUDGE AND BE OBJECTIVE
Keep in mind the Judge’s ultimate goal and that is to rule in the child’s
best interest without the possibility of being overturned in a court of appeal.
There are two important lessons here. First, give them no ammo. This means that
you must refrain from doing or saying anything (to the judge or your ex) that
could harm your credibility as a reasonable parent. In my years as a Private Investigator I have witnessed more custody
hearing than I can count. Time and time again I witnessed one parent adamant about
destroying the other parent’s credibility. Granted there are times when this is
necessary but it can be dangerous for a father. Judges watch for the instigator and once it
becomes apparent who the instigator is, Judges have a tendency to deal with that
parent rather harshly. Second, paint a beautiful picture of yourself as a Super Dad. See number 8 below.
8. BE A SUPER DAD
There is no step by step recipe for becoming a Super Dad as everyone’s
situation and personality is unique. The best and most effective way
to get great advice is with personal coaching which you can do by contacting me
at the email below. I will share some of the key points and assume
that you will continue reading this blog for more tips. In lieu of number seven
(above) you must paint the Super Dad picture for your Judge. This means that
you must take advantage of every opportunity to learn from your mistakes, the
mistakes of others and do EVERYTHING in your power to ensure that you are doing
things the right way. Some examples of how to do this are: counseling, men’s
groups, parenting classes, personal coaching, etc. Some of the advise may
include paying a few extra buck on top of any ordered child support for good
measure, asking your ex for additional ways to help, communicate about all
things regarding the care and concern of your child or children, striving to
become a co-parent as opposed to a parallel parent, refraining from introducing your
child to new girlfriends, refraining from quizzing your child or children about
what goes on at mom’s house and the list goes on and on.
Feel free to email me with your feedback, questions, suggestions
or to schedule a personal coaching session at SuperDadCoach@Gmail.com
and
Find me on Facebook and Twitter
Twitter: @SuperDadCoach
Sunday, December 1, 2013
FOUR LESSONS FOR THE SINGLE FATHER
While the percentage of single fathers in our country is far
below that of single mothers there are no doubts that the statistics are
showing a rapid increase of single father parents in households across America.
Although I believe, and have proven in my own home, that fathers are just as capable
as and sometimes even more capable of single parenting than women the low
statistics makes apparent one the biggest challenges that single fathers can
face today. That challenge is that there are little to no resources for us.
Chances are that if you asked your friends and family you wouldn’t find anyone
who has helpful advice for the single father specifically. There are many
reasons that society in general believes that mothers are better suited for
single parenting but I won’t go into that here. Here are some lessons I learned
as a single father that I wish someone had shared with me from the beginning.
1. ESTABLISH A SOLID SUPPORT SYSTEM
It is important to accept the fact that as a father,
parenting doesn’t always come natural. This dates back to the tribal days when
men were to provide and protect and women were to nurture. You will find
yourself in many unusual predicaments that require prompt action as a single
father and it is important that you have plenty of help when you need it. For
example, if you are a single father to a little girl you may find yourself
standing in the hygiene isle at the local Wal-Mart trying to decide which
shampoo is best for your little one or maybe you will struggle with choosing
clothes that fit correctly (this was a big one for me). Perhaps you have no
idea how to enroll your child into school or plan a birthday party. Establish a
solid support system that includes the mothers in your family. Don’t forget to
establish rapport with a hair stylist or barber, a pharmacist and a clerk at the
local clothing store.
2. SCHEDULE EVERYTHING
Everyone knows that parenting is a full time job.
There will always be something to remember; a doctor’s appointment, teacher
conference, school play, soccer or cheerleading practice etc. Beyond those are
the necessities like grocery shopping, laundry, homework and dinner. Without
proper planning life can quickly become a never ending list of monotonous
tasks. For starters, check your child’s online school calendar and link it to
your own so that you always have a month’s notice right on your smart phone or
computer. Then focus on consistency by scheduling times for dinner, baths and
bedtimes. If you are the only adult in your home you will likely need to
schedule times for other things like laundry and house cleaning. If you are
cooking dinner regularly you should budget your cooking time to include washing
dishes as well. Scheduling your daily tasks and sticking to it can free up a lot
of your attention and allow you to better handle all of the unexpected
challenges life as a parent is sure to throw at you.
3. EARLY TO BED - EARLY TO RISE
In lieu of scheduling, don’t forget to schedule plenty
of time to sleep. You will find it very difficult to maintain a consistent
sleep schedule for your child if you don’t have one for yourself. Stick to your
sleep schedule on the weekends as well. Allowing yourself or your child to stay
up late or sleep late on the weekend will result in a difficult Monday morning
and it can never be good to start your week like that. Furthermore, you must be careful not to fall
into the habit of staying up late to watch TV or catching up on work after your
little one has gone to sleep. Granted there may be a little bit of time after
the little one drifts off to dream land but it is imperative not to begin an activity
that could keep you awake. Choose a leisure activity that you can do in your bed
such as reading or meditating. The last thing you want to do is lay in bed with
a restless mind.
4. TAKE CARE OF DADDY FIRST
Don’t forget that you are your child’s lifeline. If
you don’t take care of yourself then how can you take care of a child? I like
to set aside one or two evenings per month for “Daddy Time”. This can be time
spent writing or time spent with friends while the kiddo is at Grandma’s house.
Remember the key here is not to get burnt out. It can be very beneficial to
spend a few minutes each day reflecting on your achievements as a single
father, after all that title alone means that you have beaten the odds. You may
find it beneficial to set an example by finishing household chores before
watching TV or taking a shower before their bath time. The old saying “Do as I
say and not as I do” does not work. Kids want to feel like they are becoming
the person they look up to the most so don’t forget to take care of you first.
Doing so not only makes you feel better and gives you parental stamina; it also
sets the tone for your little ones.
Feel free to email me with your feedback, questions, suggestions or to schedule a personal coaching session at SuperDadCoach@Gmail.com
and
Find me on Facebook and Twitter
Twitter: @SuperDadCoach
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)